We decided to take Norah back to Dr. Ros yesterday because she still seemed fussier than she should be. She also had some teething signs (drooling, chewing on everything), she's also been pulling on her ears, and seemed to be sneezing and coughing a lot. So, not knowing what was what, and considering her past, we decided to take her in.
Dr. Ros says she is definitely showing all of the signs of teething (and even the ear pulling is likely due to teething since her ears look great, no infections!) But her teeth aren't coming in yet, she is just likely feeling them move under her gums and it bothers her. Dr. Ros also thinks she has a cold. And while I was hoping that these things were causing the fussiness, Dr. Ros decided to do a "fecal occult blood test" (testing her poop for blood again) and the results showed that there was still some blood in there.
This is so frustrating. I have been entirely dairy free. I have gone over 9 weeks without a drop of cheese, milk, creamer, bread at a restaurant, cake, chocolate, butter, casein, whey, ice cream, cheesecake, etc. etc. I have eaten out rarely, I have read labels like a maniac, I have read and read and read about dairy. And I easily did it, because knowing what I was doing would make Norah better made it easy. I even gladly did it knowing I could do something. And apparently I just couldn't do enough.
Dr. Ros decided that I should put Norah on HypoAllergenic Formula. This is an expensive version of formula that has very little milk in it and the proteins that are in it, are broken down into tiny pieces in hopes of easier digestion for babies. I left without asking all of the questions I wanted to, because in the moment I lost my thoughts. So I called back and wanted to talk to her some more, and got a nurse with short simple "readymade" answers. ugh.
I came home feeling so helpless and empty. I never realized how much I loved nursing Norah until it was taken away. And I never realized how much Norah loved nursing until I took it away. She was hungry, crying, and turning towards my chest, trying to snuggle into me, and wanting to nurse so badly, and it nearly killed me to not let her. Nursing has become such a joy for us. It is our time together. Our quiet, loving, cuddling time. It's not only her source of nourishment, but her source of confirmation, love, cuddling, comfort, and peace. She loves falling asleep while nursing, she loves staring at me while nursing. Lately she has even had a hard time nursing because she will be smiling at me and can't latch on...
Yesterday, after nearly 10 hours of not eating, crying, seeming confused, etc., Norah finally gave in and ate the h.a. formula by 8pm last night. The formula tastes and smells gross! Since then she has more willingly taken it, not happily, but at least she's eating.
I was, and still am remarkably sad. The reasons are endless so I won't get into them here, the only reason or thing that matters is that Norah is healthy. Unfortunately I'm not sure which direction is more healthy for her. I spent all day yesterday and nearly all night, i couldn't sleep, researching and found so many ideas, so many pros and cons to continuing to feed her bm, and to switching her to ha formula. I laid in bed for hours trying to figure out if Dr. Ros was right, and I was just feeling so sad because of the emotional part of it and her little face looking at me with confusion and desire to nurse, or if it was because my mind wasn't at peace with this conclusion.
I woke up this morning with no more direction or peace, but just more sadness and tears. After talking to Ryan about it, and reading a few scriptures. I guess I've decided to just go with moving her to formula. I hate that it is such a permanent decision (but it has to be, because soon my milk will be gone) The ultimate reason is because I don't know how long it would take to eliminate other things from my diet in order to resolve her pain. Part of me will always wonder if I had just eliminated soy would she have gotten better? And even writing that makes me want to chuck the formula out the window and go nurse her right now........ But I want her to be well yesterday. So, formula it is. Will it work? Yes. Because I have to believe that in order to do it, other wise I won't and I will continue to be a wreck.
I don't know when I will start feeling better about the whole thing. I guess when Norah starts showing improvements. I'm already missing our time nursing and feel like it isn't natural to take it away so suddenly. I know it's hard for her and that makes it even harder for me. Fortunately, I'm sure she will soon forget about it, and will love cuddling me just for cuddling. Right now I'm not ready to share feeding with anyone else. This has been my special privilege up until now and I just don't think I can hand it over or share it yet. Also, my body is going to be going through some major changes, and right now I'm in some pretty serious pain. (another reason it's not meant to end so suddenly) I'm looking forward to moving past all of this and just having a happy little girl.
I'm sorry for the length of this post but I had to write it in words that I'm stopping nursing or I might at any moment regress.
Here are some pics from the other day!!
Heavenly Father. Only you know the answers to all of these difficult things. I pray that you bring me a peace about it all so I know that I'm doing what's right. Please bring Norah comfort in knowing I love her to pieces and would nurse her if I could. Thank You for our little girl. We love her so much..... Amen. 
1 comment:
Oh, that sounds so difficult! I do not envy the decisions you are having to make right now. Go with your deep down gut feeling and remember that doctors aren't always 100% correct. Maybe you could get some advice from La Leche League (the Breastfeeding gurus). The local contact number that I have is for Tracie at 858-1211 (that might be old, I haven't called in a long time). I don't know if they can offer any ideas about what might be bothering her or weaning easily if that's necessary, but it might be worth a shot. They've helped me with some of my bizarre questions in the past!
No matter what, Norah will know and feel your love for her as you care for her in all the ways you already do, even if feeding is through a bottle. Bless your hearts as you navigate through the tough choices of parenthood.
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