I am numb. I don't know what to do, how to cry, what to say, how to pray, or what to feel. I feel like I have to keep writing in this blog, because otherwise it's really over. And I don't want it to be over. I want to have a baby. I want to have this baby, the one in me right now. And I'm confused by the Lord and what he allows to happen. And I say allow, not because I think he wants me to suffer, but because I absolutely believe he could change this. I absolutely have faith that he could make our baby's heart start beating. I don't think he will, because I think he already has the baby. And I just have the flesh. I also feel like God is molding me right now in to the woman he wants me to be. But I also feel guilty, like if I would have already been molded into a better version, he wouldn't have used this to mold me, because I wouldn't have needed molding. But I do agree with him, I do need molding. Even though I have been ecstatic and so excited to be carrying this miracle of life and I have been thankful for it, not once have I opened up my bible since I have been pregnant. Honestly, today is the first day I have picked up my bible in two months. That alone makes me think about how consistent I am in one thing. The wilderness. I always run to the Lord in the wilderness and it makes me feel safe and better. Even if I am confused and I feel like God could have prevented the wilderness from coming, and even if I am somewhat angered at him for allowing the wilderness to come, I still run to him. Now if I could only learn to run to him in the joyful and the mundane. I turn to him in these moments sometimes, I acknowledge him, but rarely do I find refuge and absolutely run to him in these times. I feel like God is like: Hello Bri, I am here always, I am never changing, I want to hang out with you daily, I want you to run to me daily. And I know that I will never be perfect, but I at least want to be better, I at least want to try. And so, even though the molding process can be awful and painful and confusing, I still am glad that God loves me enough to mold me.