i miscarried. or i guess i've been told I am going to miscarry. We had the first ultrasound on Friday, yesterday. My goodness, was it only yesterday? Oh my gosh how much can change in a day. On the ultrasound, as the doctor looked around, our midwife couldn't be there due to a c section, she kept looking and looking, and I kept getting more and more nervous..... And then, I don't even really remember what she said, except that, the baby is only measuring about 7 weeks, and that there isn't a heartbeat, and we should be able to see it. I can't explain this feeling, and I wish it on no one. This was our 10wk ultrasound, it was supposed to be the best day, and it was by far the worst one I've ever had. Well today, has actually probably been worse. Well in some ways worse, in some ways better. I at least talked to God about it today. Yesterday I couldn't bring myself to speak to him, other than a brief moment of faith that shone through when I spontaneously and surprisingly burst out in to tears and to Blessed Be The Name at the same time. Today I am confused, confused about the Lord, confused about the baby and why it stopped growing, confused about having a D & C or letting it, as they horribly put it, "pass naturally", and confused about who I am and what I do. Over the past 2 months I have been getting wonderfully used to the idea of being a mom. And my identity lately has been "pregnant". I've been so excited about it, I haven't read a book, or even a newspaper article lately that wasn't about me having a baby. And now all of the sudden, my baby, our baby, that I am....was... so excited to learn about, to know about, to have stick out of my tummy, to parent, to decorate a nursery for, to breastfeed, is now not alive. And the weird part is, the confusing part is that I have had no symptoms, none. The only thing I notice now, is that I don't feel as pregnant, which is awful. I long for my boobs to ache and for my head to spin and feel nauseas.

I just spent the last 3 hours reading the story about an amazing woman and family. Her name is Angie Smith and her baby's name was Audrey Caroline. They found out at 20 weeks that the baby medically couldn't survive, yet she decided to carry the baby until God took her from them naturally and to hope and pray for a miracle the whole time. The baby was carried to full term and died 2.5 hours into her life. The bravery and the strength of Angie are amazing. And after getting into her story, it hit me that I hadn't even prayed for a miracle for our baby. I hadn't even prayed that God would make the heart start beating and the baby start growing. This made me feel awful and feel like maybe I don't even deserve to be a mom if I won't even fight for my child.

And then I come to realize how negative I can be, maybe not negative, but pessimistic. However, I have been actually very optimistic about this pregnancy, I have constantly been praying in the spirit and have been very positive. And look what happened. This is the very reason I am pessimistic, because I was so not ready for this to happen. I was ready to start getting bigger, to start feeling the baby kick, to start being a mom. I was believing for a healthy baby and now I'm handed this. And that is the very reason why I struggle with optimism, because now where does that leave me. At least had I been worried about it, I would have been more prepared. And even as I write this and it makes so much logical sense to me, I know that this poor attitude is Satan trying to get a foothold in my life, and the world of worry is where he gets his best grip. The Lord has not given us a spirit of timidity or fear, but a spirit of power, love and self control. So lord forgive me for allowing these negative thoughts, and for being fearful and fill me up Lord with your power, your love, and self control.

So as I try to make sense of this all, and understand what this means, I look to the Lord for strength, peace and understanding. One other thing that I was struggling with was if I should have a D&C or if I should wait it out naturally. What if God does perform a miracle? What if the doctor read the scan wrong? What if it wasn't working? I haven't been bleeding or cramping, are they sure? I think in that moment of wonder, I felt totally helpless, because I didn't feel like I deserved direction from God because I hadn't even considered He would perform a miracle. So I cried out to him, that I may have clarity and direction and hear from him. And at that moment I felt him say, "the baby is with Me. I already have the baby. Now we need to take care of you my baby, we need to heal you." And I felt like the Lord was literally holding my face in his hands wiping away the tears of doubt and fear. And I do feel like it's okay to do the D&C. Although, I still have this feeling that I am going to get in there and ask for another ultrasound just to be sure, and I think God is fine with that, because God needs me to have hope, He needs me to have faith and believe in miracles. But He also needs me to rely on him and know that sometimes things hurt, and our plans fall apart, but that He is still here and still with us, and right by our side, and that God isn't there to make everything perfect, but he is here and he will love me and be with me, and be the same day in and day out, he won't leave, he won't change and he won't forsake me.